Serena Williams is Not Your Ex…

Okay. I’m gonna try and come at this Serena Williams engagement thing from a place of compassion and understanding.

My darling male members of the species, let me walk a mile in your shoes. Let me look at this your way.

(Steps into a pair of Timbs)

So here’s Serena. Super accomplished. Fun. Geeky. Beautiful. Amazonian in a Wonder Woman kind of way (IMAGINE her instead of Gal Gadot?) A woman who can crip walk on centre court, twerk with Beyonce, and smash a window with her serve all while dressed like your WCW’s Saturday night Instagram pic.

(the good stuff happens at 4:30)

Yeah. That’s cool. But she’s still not “feminine” or “delicate”. You like them like that. I get it.

She starts to date your boy Lonnie. Y’know he’s cool though right? He’s like alternative n’ shit. Probably borrowed a dollar from her from time to time. But you know, YOU wouldn’t smash it. Lonnie would. But he likes those alternative chicks with the phat asses.

Serena’s ass tho’. Yoooooo.

But I get it…she’s not “conventional”. She’s not really your type.

Oh! Remember when Drake started taking her out? Weird, right? How does mans go from RIHANNA to Serena? Serena’s kind of a big girl though ain’t she? I don’t mean “fat”. She’s just like, really tall. Not delicate. What? She’s only an inch taller than Rih? Well. Sheeeeit. She SEEMS bigger. Alright alright, still…Rihanna is an exotic ting tho. She’s got that accent. She got them green eyes. Serena’s just y’know. Regular. Drake has bare panties thrown at him, he doesn’t HAVE to settle for regular.

So. I mean. Like. Can we agree it’s kinda CONFUSING she’d just suddenly pick up with a White dude? Some geeky internet guy. Like. C’mon! She could get an athlete or another rapper! How she just gonna pull up with a WHITE guy who created like – a MESSAGE board? Right? So, YOU don’t think she’s attractive. It doesn’t mean that another man won’t find her attractive! She just didn’t give Black men a chance!

Okay okay okay. I’m not saying she HAS to give Black men a chance. But a STRONG BLACK WOMAN ™ needs a STRONG man, youknowwhatimean? Queens need Kings, amiright?

Oh wait…dude calls her “The Queen” on a regular? Like publicly? On his social media n’ shit? Not just in private when they chill?

Oh wait…they don’t just chill? They go out? Like OUT OUT? Oh…wait, you mean for EVERYONE to see? Like they do #couplesgoals shit like dress in goofy onsies and hang out with friends?

Look, I know a lot of you would do that with the RIGHT girl…when she comes along. But y’know, she could’ve TOTALLY done that with Drake if he hadn’t snuck her through a side entrance. Drake is TOTALLY capable of couples pics on the ‘gram. Look at him and JLO!

But sometimes, these females, they just want a RICH dude. They don’t care about how the man looks at that point; he’s paying those bills—

Oh. Wait. Serena makes MORE money? Dude founded REDDIT…oh. She made 10 times he did last year? So it’s NOT money?

What else could she possibly need? She has money. She has success. She’s the GOAT*!

(*GOAT among women. I’m mean there’s still King James…)

Why is she choosing to marry THIS GUY?

(Takes off Timbs…reverts to my natural state)

Sigh.

Love. L-O-V-E. Love.

That’s all it is folks.

Is this really THAT hard to understand? That someone can love whom they love. Imagine that. Dating a variety of people and figuring out what you do and do not want in a relationship. Then, you MEET that person. The one who meets your expectations.

ALL your expectations.

They give you that strange elusive thing called: happiness.

Serena is your ex. The ex you maybe feel a little bit guilty about being an ass to. The ex you dated as filler, an in-betweener. The ex that DIDN’T hit everything on YOUR list. So you kind of let it linger. Not out of malice. Just because you weren’t all in.

Guess what? That’s okay. That happens.

But when (NOT if, WHEN) she moves on, you do not get to evaluate her choices. You don’t get to weigh in, critique, assess, or judge her choices. Because I need to you remember one very important fact: she didn’t meet your expectations.

Do not fault her for finding someone who meets all her expectations just because you don’t meet hers.

 

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Ain’t It Funny

I’ve been thinking about my exes lately…

Not because I want to.

Like a cold sore on my social life and emotional balance, they pop up…to say hi…to add me as a friend on FB…follow me on Instagram…to join their LinkedIn network…

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Yes, really. LinkedIn…what kind of recommendation am I gonna give you motherfucker?

Now here’s the plot twist: the exes that are coming around saying hello from the other side are not the guys I would expect to come come around.

You may think that my acid tongue has left a trail of broken hearts, but no. Every guy who has come looking for me in the last 12 months…has been someone who dumped me.

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I KNOW, right?

So now we’re exes, yes?

As in X = unknown.

My taste in men are diverse…so I have exes in different area codes, social groups, interest groups, tax brackets… I don’t really have a type. When things end, I’m fortunate (??) enough to not have to worry about “bumping” into them at “our spot” or anything weird. With a couple, we share the same social circles, but those interactions are generally harmless. I rarely add guys I’m dating to my social media channels, so when they come looking, they have sought me out…

I’m confused by this.

Part of my confusion is that I’m not really sentimental and I like clean breaks from things.

I don’t generally cry over breakups – I usually get angry/annoyed. In the past 10 years, I think I’ve cried over one break up. I don’t keep mementoes – I have given back presents! I may delete your number. Usually my reaction to a break up is this…

 

…and my reaction to my exes popping up like whack a moles who have lost their way and are asking me to be online friends is kinda like this:

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Someone suggested that they’re checking in to see who “won the breakup”. Who’s moved on. Who upgraded. Which one is sitting at home posting pictures on their Instagram using the lyrics to All By Myself as captions.

YOU dumped me. Doesn’t that make YOU the loser?

Heh.

But seriously. I can’t compete with them in the breakup games because I forgot to enter the competition. Have I googled an ex to see what they’re up to? Yes. Have I creeped on an ex’s social media feed? Uhm…yes. Right after I accept their request. Do I miss any of them?

(One. But I wouldn’t tell him…#pride)

But I don’t go looking for them. When they come looking for me, I wonder what they’re expecting to find?

As I delete FB friend requests from the scary exes (think “restraining order”) and ignore the LinkedIn requests from the benign ones (again WHAT kind of recommendation are you looking for), I guess I’ll chalk it up to the random that is my life.

Love is crazy, I’m glad I can smile and say

Ain’t that funny