My Fantasy #ObamaFarewell Speech – January 10, 2017

( “…” = “the Obama pause”)

Who gonna stop us? We in this. 

Good Evening my fellow Americans…

As I prepared my final remarks as President for tonight’s address to the nation, I had the opportunity to…reflect on a few things.

Looking back on these past eight years, we, as a nation reduced unemployment…

Caught Osama…

Made health care accessible to more people who need it…

Improved our relations on an international level.

We…did a good job.

But then…I realized something.

(The President opens the top drawer in his desk and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. Sparks one up and takes a long drag.)

I… did this.

Yes. I had a Vice President. A cabinet. As well as…some other folks. But…

Let’s face it: I did the damn thing.

Now…you want ME to sit here and hold this seat for and unqualified…inexperienced…uncultured…simple…minded…and obtuse…mother…fucker

And give him this office.

You know what else I realized? I’m the leader of this here free world. Since you are so hell-bent on having an oligarchy…or a dictatorship, so I’ve decided to give you one. So tonight, my fellow Americans, I’m here to announce…


Not going anywhere.

Myself, Joe, Michelle…Jill. We are not leaving. My daughters…Malia and Sasha. Not going anywhere. My mother-in-law, Marian Robinson…isn’t going anywhere either. Because we all know, Black grandmothers don’t believe in saving seats for anyone.


(pauses to take another drag on his cigarette)

Yes. I’m smoking. Who is going to stop me? No one. Just like no one is…going to come in here and ruin my legacy. No sir.

We’re not going. I’m not going to try and ratify the constitution. Or speak to the supreme court. Or congress. We are just not…going to go.

Simple as that.

(takes another drag)

Right now, I have the navy, the army, and the air force under my command. You wanna call Russia? You can. Because I’ve got bombs too. You…need to understand. I’m from Chi-raq. I got people. I still got Rahm on speed dial.

(ashes out cigarette and lights a new one; leans back and puts his feet up on the desk)

Whatchu want America? Call Amber Riley… because you…

And you…

And you…

You’re gonna love…

(takes a drag on the cigarette)


God bless you…and these United States of America. Because come hell or…high water. They will stay united. Y’hear? Thank you and good night.


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