The Worst Non-Tinder Tinder Ad. Ever

One of my friends sent this to a group of us for a laugh and so I introduce to you: Malik. The 40 year old sociopathic virgin.

Oh Malik…

Has it really come to this dude? REALLY?

AS creepy as it is that you’re basically advertising yourself like a lost dog, or some low budget focus group, it’s ever creepier what you’re asking for.

She must be White, Hispanic, Asian and or Native- American – specifically Apache. Now. MAYBE there are few Apache chicks running around New York for Malik to meet. But all I can think is that dude watched that Kimmy Schmidt show on Netflix, and didn’t realize Jane Krakowski is in Redface.

“Curvaciously”, “Thick-bodied” with “Thick, sexy legs” – but not fat. Guy. For reals? Thick thighs don’t have gaps; you’re going to need to pick a side and the FUCK are brown shaded thigh highs? Having had both a thigh gap and thick thighs in my life, I can promise you that skinny thighs won’t hold ’em up.

Points for kinda (?) knowing the difference between nationality and race, but uhm…

(NOPE. Taking them away. You’re more obsessed with Native Americans than Daniel Day Lewis and Mel Gibson combined)

Have long finger AND toe nails?

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Ewwww. Even though there IS a FB group with over 2000 members who love long toel nails. No. Also, Malik my friend, it’s hard to get long ass toe nails into 5” heels.

Pay attention class, notice how Malik is SO ADAMANTLY against “hookers” ,“trannies”, and “he-shes”, BUT he wants threesomes and foursomes?

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Yeaaaaah. We know Malik. You SAY you don’t want ANY of them, but we know. Shhhhh. It’s okay…sit down. #WhoHurtYou? Because Malik you doth protest too much.

Your favourite show is Law & Order SVU. You watch it and take notes so you can avoid prosecution.

BE REAL/PORNSTARS ARE WELCOME

Malik, just because YOU’VE never had sex with a non-pixelated woman,  doesn’t mean porn stars aren’t real.

Unless you just jack off to hentai, then yeah, they’re not real.

“Employed and smart”. But if she were these things, WHY would she take your number?

No commitment. No marriage. No kids. Based on everything else you’ve said, I don’t think this is going to be a problem. You good.

Reggaeton?

 

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