Office. Crush(ed).

I’m working this contract gig (yawn), and most of my days are filled with contracts, reports, and contractors. Disappointing because not a single contractor is hot.

I thought this was the point of contractors. That they be hot. What the hell?!!?

I’ve had a tendency to work in environments that are predominately women, which is great for keeping track of your period, not so great if you want to have a little eye candy (and you’re straight). The men I have worked with have either been married (no go zone) or just not attractive.

Realizing this a while back, I had complained to my BFF that I’ve never really had a proper work crush because I’ve always worked with unattractive schlubs or married men. Never have I been able to flirt or gaze admiringly at a man I’ve worked with.

Boo.

Then. He walked in. The new guy.

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Everything. EVERYTHING about this man? The face, the smile. The horn rimmed glasses. The impeccable taste in clothing. The cologne. Then he spoke. You would think that he had David Beckham Syndrome, but no. Even his name was heavenly. I was ready. I was so ready.

I have this one problem though – I always  forget to look for the ring. Not that I’m out there looking to be homewrecker #1…I just don’t. But chances are that if I find you attractive, you’re more than likely married. Married means you (hopefully) have your shit together and own at least one suit. So I was ready to give up before I started.

Then my Office Auntie came over.

“Did you see the new guy? He’s very attractive. Do you find him attractive? Is he single? I’ll find out for you…”

(Did I mention that my Office Aunties want to see me married by the time I’m 40? Which is in 6 months? Erm…)

I sent out text messages to friends

“THEY HIRED A BLACK GUY! AND HE’S HOT!! (insert heart eyes emojis here…all of them) 

Both me and my Office Auntie tried to spot a ring on his hand. But the future father of my children is a very diligent worker. No chit chat. Buried in his work space. One day three, he had a question about his computer and the person he asked didn’t know. I passed by and our coworker said “I betcha RR knows… she’s a whiz with Macs”

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Fix the issue. Takes 30 seconds. My boss walks by to see me at Hot Guy’s desk. As I head back to my office he asks what that was about. I explain that new guy had a quick question and I was helping him (seriously, I was at his desk for about a minute and that includes being asked the question, fixing the issue and walking away).

“He’s NOT the priority. He can figure it out on his own.”

Boom. All my blessings. Blocked.

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Still. The Office Auntie tries to persevere on my behalf. But Hot New Guy doesn’t do the chit chat. Takes lunch on his own or with one of the (few) men in the office.

Yesterday, I finally get a chance to talk with Hot New Guy. I try to insert a little bit of flirt…then I remembered that my flirting usually makes me seem like a serial killer trying to get you into my white van. So, I regroup and try to keep it casual and professional…and that’s when he said it.

“…one time, my girlfriend and I went to…”

Me:

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The rest of the conversation? Dunno. He sounded like a Charlie Brown adult after that.
He lives a nice part of downtown, which means he and his girlfriend are definitely living together; which means (in my mind) married.

Girlfriend.

Girl. Friend.

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My ONE chance at an office crush. A work bae. A chance at a private meeting in my office…

Girl. Friend.

He goes back to his desk and I cue up YouTube to play some music (and to muffle the sounds of me muttering “fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking girlfriend”) “The Boy is Mine” came up…

The suggested by YouTube songs after that?
“He Wasn’t Man Enough for Me” – Toni Braxton
“Try Again” – Aaliyah
“Heartbreaker” – Mariah and Jay Z
I see what you did there universe. cute.
I told the Office Auntie that he mentioned a girlfriend.
“But that’s not married. Otherwise he would’ve said ‘partner’. She’s just a girlfriend…”
(yes. She’s ruthless)

 

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