Christmas is a month away…

My mother has sent her list…

She’s asked me what the dog wants/needs for Christmas…

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#UnDomesticGoddess Moment

Reminded of the time when my very conservative girlfriend told me that she and her VERY conservative mom had gone shopping and purchased magic bullets…

I promptly freaked out. SHOCKED that she has the kind of relationship with her mother where they can go buy SEX TOYS together!!!

She pulled it out to show me…because I was like “A MAGIC WHATNOW?”

It was this:

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For the record, I’m not the ONLY person to have thought this…

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Lesson Learned: Use Your Words Carefully

I was recently reminded of an ex of mine from a few years back, and of a time when I, lover of words… could have been a little more explicit.

Heh. Explicit.

So this ex, a lover of porn and all the intricate storylines it has to offer (/sarcasm), would occasionally joke about anal.

Me:

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That ended that convo…that time. But as we progressed…he would reference it. Try to gauge my reaction. Which was always some variation of:

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One day I just blurted out, “okay…but under ONE MAJOR CONDITION

He of course got all Frasier Crane on me…

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So I told him the condition.

Marriage.

Boom.

Y’see folks, that would be my ultimate out. Because I don’t ever want to get married. I’ve made this very clear to family, friends, and most importantly…to every man I’ve been involved with.

I had run out of ways to say “it will be a cold day in hell motherfucker…”, and he himself was very resistant to the idea of marriage. I sat back, smothered in smugness, knowing that bringing up the dreaded M word would mute all future anal talk.

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So I said, “put a ring on it.”

“Whaaaaaa…?”

“If you want it, put a ring on it…”

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A few days later, I got a text. It was a link and text that said, “which ring would you like?”

Oh dear gawd.

With trembling hands. I clicked the link. Was this man actually gonna call my bluff??

I was a Google image result for “cock rings”.

 

Next time. I’ll be more explicit.

#Lessonlearned.

 

(NO. He still didn’t get any backdoor action)

 

 

 

 

#mymothermademedrink Netflix and Chill

Phone rings…

“Hello mother…”

“Do you have Netflix?”

“No… Why?”

“I was reading something about this ‘Netflix and chill’.”

“What is it?”

“It’s when guys (pauses to think about how to phrase this…thinks harder… aw fuck it) are too cheap to take you out on a date to the actual movies, so they either invite you over to watch a movie on Netflix, or ask to come to your house and watch a movie there.”

“So they’re new movies? Like that one with your boyfriend Idris?”

(YES. IDRIS IS MY BOYFRIEND. SHUT UP)

“No. It’s (pause) more like like Blockbuster.”

“But Blockbuster is gone? You can’t rent movies.”

“I know. Netflix kinda killed Blockbuster. Now you can order and watch the movies on your computer.”

“Men STILL don’t want to go to the movies? (sighs) You know, I loved going to the movies. But your father never wanted to go. Even when we were dating. I would just go by myself. Why don’t men like movies?”

“I dunno…”

“So, you get up. Get dressed for a date and go to a guy’s house to watch a movie?”

“Baaaaaaaaaaaasically”

“Hrumph. Or they come over and watch your computer. Probably expect you to make the popcorn too.”

“Yup”

“But you don’t have Netflix.”

“No. I like going to the movies.”

“Good. These damn men still wasting everyone’s time. How are you supposed to watch a movie on your computer? The screen is so small! And you’re just crammed up on the couch like…how is that comfortable? To watch movies that are already out? (kisses teeth).

But what’s the ‘chill’ part?”

#mymothermademedrink

Today’s Dating Lesson…

Today’s lesson:

Don’t cancel a date with me two hours beforehand, make plans for a new day, and then disappear for four days (without even a text or something to say “we still on”?).

If you do decide to disappear, fine. But don’t then message me the day of…out of the blue and ask me out for a date.

Also. When you do go dark for four solid days and message me out of the blue to ask me out on a date, how about you reference that TODAY is the day I told you I’d be available and acknowledge that?

Another good idea? Don’t message me after four days of silence to ask me out like it’s a brand new thought, and invite me for the SAME DATE YOU DID FOUR DAYS AGO AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT.

I’ve told you once – and I’m not telling you again – I’m a busy person. So guess what?

I’m busy.

Stop messaging me “good morning texts” (GAWD I HATE THOSE).

Don’t message me in the middle of meetings.

Don’t ask me how my day is going. Because I’ve already told you I’m having a busy day. I’m not here for your small talk.

Go play Adele on repeat.

*I’m not even trying to be passive aggressive. I made a space for you in my hectic schedule and told you that from jump. YOU MISSED IT. 

Looking at my phone and all these messages and I think “dang, I miss flip phones now”