Tinder Made Me Drink (My Attempt at Online Dating – AGAIN)…

So.

I tried online dating.

Again.

I joined a few sites around my birthday, thinking that I really shouldn’t end the year dateless.

Is it 2016 yet?

Now…why would I do this? Because I cannot flirt to save my life. I could be in a hostage situation and realize that I just need to flirt a little to escape alive…and I wouldn’t just die…I’d end up like Cleo in Set It Off.

So, I thought the apps would ease that awkwardness that happens in social situations.

So. I joined (in order) OkCupid, Tinder, and Bumble. I also signed up for Match, but I got THIRTEEN marketing message in less than 24 hours and one of my potential matches was a man I cannot STAND…

When he popped up on the screen the morning after I signed up, I nearly threw my phone away.

Yes. The. Whole. Damn. Phone.

So…how was it?

OkCupid – You answer bunch of questions in hopes of increasing your chances of finding a personality match to go with that cute pic. Yeah… didn’t happen.

Tinder – Basically “hi, hey you’re hot…sex?”

Bumble – Basically Tinder, except once you match, the onus is on the woman to reach out first and they only give you 24 hours to initiate contact or you lose the dude FOREVER.

For quality of men…Tinder is the island of misfit toys. OkCupid is an MRA haven, and home to the stupidest #WhiteBoyFails in online dating history. Bumble…? Well. Well. Well. I’m not one bit surprised that a woman created this one.

Gentlemen…I didn’t think I’d be pulling HLBB out on this blog, but seriously. Your profiles suck. I mean in 2010…yes TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING TEN –  I was trying to tell you to improve your spelling, the quality of your photos, and your opening lines. But these photos? Okay. I get it. You’re a fitness model. Great. But bruh, seriously…you standing by your car in a parking lot wearing nothing by white speedos is not the move. Trust me.

My first day on OkCupid, an 18 year old hit on me. I believed the age he posted, because in his photos he actually looked 12. I told him that I was too old for him and he picked a fight with me! Then there was the dude that asked me (as his opener) why is that no man of any race wants a serious relationship with a Black woman. He was doing a survey. Both of these accounts are no longer active BTW.

Now Bumble is new. I like shiny new things. Bumble is where all the unicorns go to play. Created by former Tinder execs, Bumble is basically Tinder with a twist: once matched…the woman has to initiate contact. Since I’m known for NEVER making the first move, I took this twist as a challenge.

I was not expecting to see what I saw.

Men who could spell.

Who took the time to post pics that showed them at their best.

Men who wore clothes.

Men who DIDN’T wear sunglasses in every pic —

Sidebar: on that subject. IF YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES IN ALL SIX OF YOUR PROFILE PICS WE KNOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.  

I swiped right so much that Siri popped up and said, “girrrrrl… are you sure your phone hasn’t been hacked?!” My girl is convinced the men on Bumble are fake. But the pictures – carefully filtered and cropped – seem real.

I’ll stick it out with the bees in this hive a little bit longer. If only for the eye candy.

Tinder and OkCupid were deleted yesterday.

For ANYONE looking to delete their dating profiles… I want to share with you something VERY important that I learned. Tinder requires you to link to FB. When I tried Tinder last year, my research told me that they did this so you could see what friends you have in common, and not be matched with any friends.

Not ONLY was friend listed as a potential match (he saw me as well). I was reminded of a moment I had about 3 months ago. As mentioned, I had Tinder last year. I deleted my profile. Tinder states that once you delete, it UN-links from your Facebook. During that time, guys that I had matched with on Tinder – guys that I had no friends or interests in common with – showed up under “people you may know” on FB! Not. Amused.

To properly un-link, go into FB > settings > Apps. You’ll see all the apps that are linked to your account. This is common with 3rd party logins, so you might be surprised to see a whole bunch. Delete Tinder and any other dating site.

Then DELETE ALL THE DATING APPS AND GO TO A BAR!

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