Shhhhhh…

This. This felt like a long day.

I felt that I was asked too many questions.

That I spoke way more than I needed to.

*turns up to 11*

#fuckeveryquestionyouasking

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A Tale of Two Dates…

Gather ‘round children…for a tale of this kind is only told once a year. Seriously. I get asked out on a date about once a year. By the time I landed the second date, I should’ve bought a lottery ticket.

First, there was FlyBoy. We will be calling him FlyBoy because I want to.

Went to a favourite watering hole of mine on random Friday night. FlyBoy walked in with his best friend and greeted the owners…and then disappeared. Which was the only reason he caught my attention. FlyBoy had a full beard going on and I’m one of the FIVE women in this world that dislikes beards. Throughout the night, he kept coming and going, and each time he came back, he’d lean in for a kiss on the cheek. Which I declined.

(But the attempts were cute)

That left his friend. His friend completely summarized my all my past experiences with men in bars: drunk, says stupid shit in trying to flirt, annoying. The Weird One

BUT this time? This WeirdOne did something so strange…

As it was approaching last call, WeirdOne offered me a drink, which I declined. There we were, positioned at the end of the bar having an awkward convo. A dude walks in and picks up his drink from the bar. WeirdOne tells him that it’s MY drink and says it in such a way that the poor bastard starts begging for an apology. Turns out, the poor bastard was outside smoking…his buddy told him that there was a drink waiting for him…he thought it was that one. He begs for my forgiveness and then says to the WeirdOne, “dude I didn’t mean to offend your girl like that…” while practically genuflecting.

“She’s not my girl.”

(Damn right I’m not your girl)

“You better work on that then. She’s gorgeous.”

When the poor bastard walks away, WeirdOne turns to me and says “you like what I did there?” While giving me such a big smile, one would think that I was handing out gold stars.

He didn’t get that drink for me.

It really belonged to the poor genuflecting bastard.

He STOLE someone’s drink to give to me.

Who. Does. THAT?!

Thankfully, FlyBoy returned to flirt some more. He actually solicited references from the owners to get that cheek kiss! After a tense post club snack with him and the WeirdOne, he decided to walk me home instead of heading to his buddy’s place.
Outside my door, he laid a movie-style kiss on me, and told me that he’d been wanting to do that since he first saw me.

He got more kisses after that…on a date we had two days later. I haven’t really heard from him since then. If I reach out, he responds. But otherwise? Meh.

Now. Remember Bumble?

Well. I did keep it on my phone for a few more weeks (okay, it’s still on there). As the deletion deadline approached, up popped BumbleBoy. I’m calling him that because…obvious.

He liked my opening line. We chatted. Chats turned to phone numbers being exchanged. Phone number exchanges turned to an invitation for a date. Like I said…two dates in one week? HAS NEVER happened. EVAH.

We met up for drinks. Just as witty IRL as he was online. Lover of scotch (hello!) and dogs (hello!!) and weed (ermmm). While our conversation was great, he had the attention span of a fruit fly…oddly enough I could roll with it (I’ll credit twitter for this new skill).

Speaking of credit, I’ll give credit to the boost in confidence, or the liquor, but I swear the cute bartender was trying to flirt with me when BumbleBoy went out for a smoke. I did not mind.

BumbleBoy decided to walk me home and went in for the cheek (but so very close to the lips kiss). I thought “what the hell?” and let him kiss me. He also said that he’d been wanting to kiss me ever since he saw my photo.

(Okay. So my lips are a thing. Who knew?)

BumbleBoy has locked in a second date, which I’m looking forward to.

Except.

I don’t want to jump his bones.

He’s very cute. But physically? Not my type. I like men who look like they’re hungry…and he looks well fed? It’s my thing. I don’t like super muscular men either. Wiry. Skinny. Lean. I have a thing for scrawny-ish men! You know what? Life is too short to be generous. Even if I don’t end up jumping your bones, I should want to jump your bones.

In writing this, I was reminded of something that my date of 2014 said to me:

Never give a woman a reason to NOT want to fuck you…

p.s. I’m officially in the “cougar” years of my dating life. I can remember what I was doing the year each of these boys were born. Le sigh.

p.p.s. Who should I try to date next?

Dear Future Ex Boyfriend…

This is what happens when Adele releases a song.

She goes out into a cabin in the woods, making calls on a flip phone from 2003, all while wearing a dead muppet as a coat, and manages to put me in my feelings.

She has me missing a boyfriend that I haven’t even met yet.

Hey you…

Adele’s Hello just came up on my iTunes in shuffle play. It’s been a minute hasn’t it? Then I realized that this would’ve been our anniversary. Today. Coincidence? I think…yes. But it makes me want to write to you anyway.

Sigh. It kind sucks how it all ended. But I know me, and I know you…the end was defined at the beginning.

But we had a good run…a record in my books.

Remember that time you tried to make me heart-shaped pancakes for Valentines Day? You couldn’t understand how I was so “meh” on the day; that I had never observed it. So you got up and made these heart-shaped pancakes. Without a mold. So they just came out as giant oval “X’s” instead of hearts.

I said, “Well that sums up my feeling on the day…” and you looked so disappointed. But I ate them!

They were. The. Best. Pancakes. Ever.

You tried. I appreciated that you tried. That you always tried.

Keep trying.

xo/rr

Adele seriously had me sitting at my laptop like:

For someone I haven’t MET YET.

#MyMotherMadeMeDrink – October 20, 2015

*looks at call display and contemplates letting it go to voicemail*

Hello mother…

“Hi! I was just reading the Nation online…they were listing all the young people called to bar this year”

“Mmmhmmm”

“So young! And quite a few women. You know, I always thought you’d go that route. But I guess…it’s too late. But you chose your path…I suppose.”

This is my mother’s twice-yearly reminder that I had planned on being a lawyer for a major chunk of my youth. I studied Latin in preparation. Joined debate teams. Tried to get an internship at the Law Society of Upper Canada when I was 15. Followed major trials in the news. I had figured out my education/professional plan by the time I was 10 (York University, Osgoode, NYU…then become a corporate lawyer specializing in mergers and acquisitions).

A reminder that my life could’ve been different if I had stayed on that path. But I decided not to become a lawyer…and chose a creative field.


(different choice, but you get my drift)

Tinder Made Me Drink (My Attempt at Online Dating – AGAIN)…

So.

I tried online dating.

Again.

I joined a few sites around my birthday, thinking that I really shouldn’t end the year dateless.

Is it 2016 yet?

Now…why would I do this? Because I cannot flirt to save my life. I could be in a hostage situation and realize that I just need to flirt a little to escape alive…and I wouldn’t just die…I’d end up like Cleo in Set It Off.

So, I thought the apps would ease that awkwardness that happens in social situations.

So. I joined (in order) OkCupid, Tinder, and Bumble. I also signed up for Match, but I got THIRTEEN marketing message in less than 24 hours and one of my potential matches was a man I cannot STAND…

When he popped up on the screen the morning after I signed up, I nearly threw my phone away.

Yes. The. Whole. Damn. Phone.

So…how was it?

OkCupid – You answer bunch of questions in hopes of increasing your chances of finding a personality match to go with that cute pic. Yeah… didn’t happen.

Tinder – Basically “hi, hey you’re hot…sex?”

Bumble – Basically Tinder, except once you match, the onus is on the woman to reach out first and they only give you 24 hours to initiate contact or you lose the dude FOREVER.

For quality of men…Tinder is the island of misfit toys. OkCupid is an MRA haven, and home to the stupidest #WhiteBoyFails in online dating history. Bumble…? Well. Well. Well. I’m not one bit surprised that a woman created this one.

Gentlemen…I didn’t think I’d be pulling HLBB out on this blog, but seriously. Your profiles suck. I mean in 2010…yes TWO THOUSAND AND FUCKING TEN –  I was trying to tell you to improve your spelling, the quality of your photos, and your opening lines. But these photos? Okay. I get it. You’re a fitness model. Great. But bruh, seriously…you standing by your car in a parking lot wearing nothing by white speedos is not the move. Trust me.

My first day on OkCupid, an 18 year old hit on me. I believed the age he posted, because in his photos he actually looked 12. I told him that I was too old for him and he picked a fight with me! Then there was the dude that asked me (as his opener) why is that no man of any race wants a serious relationship with a Black woman. He was doing a survey. Both of these accounts are no longer active BTW.

Now Bumble is new. I like shiny new things. Bumble is where all the unicorns go to play. Created by former Tinder execs, Bumble is basically Tinder with a twist: once matched…the woman has to initiate contact. Since I’m known for NEVER making the first move, I took this twist as a challenge.

I was not expecting to see what I saw.

Men who could spell.

Who took the time to post pics that showed them at their best.

Men who wore clothes.

Men who DIDN’T wear sunglasses in every pic —

Sidebar: on that subject. IF YOU WEARING SUNGLASSES IN ALL SIX OF YOUR PROFILE PICS WE KNOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.  

I swiped right so much that Siri popped up and said, “girrrrrl… are you sure your phone hasn’t been hacked?!” My girl is convinced the men on Bumble are fake. But the pictures – carefully filtered and cropped – seem real.

I’ll stick it out with the bees in this hive a little bit longer. If only for the eye candy.

Tinder and OkCupid were deleted yesterday.

For ANYONE looking to delete their dating profiles… I want to share with you something VERY important that I learned. Tinder requires you to link to FB. When I tried Tinder last year, my research told me that they did this so you could see what friends you have in common, and not be matched with any friends.

Not ONLY was friend listed as a potential match (he saw me as well). I was reminded of a moment I had about 3 months ago. As mentioned, I had Tinder last year. I deleted my profile. Tinder states that once you delete, it UN-links from your Facebook. During that time, guys that I had matched with on Tinder – guys that I had no friends or interests in common with – showed up under “people you may know” on FB! Not. Amused.

To properly un-link, go into FB > settings > Apps. You’ll see all the apps that are linked to your account. This is common with 3rd party logins, so you might be surprised to see a whole bunch. Delete Tinder and any other dating site.

Then DELETE ALL THE DATING APPS AND GO TO A BAR!